One of the things I struggle with the most as a pastor is the automatic set of assumptions and expectations that come along with the title. At one point, I thought that announcing my vocation would be an exciting thing, something I'd be proud to announce to the world. Boy, was I wrong! Instead, I find myself keeping my vocation a secret until I absolutely must share it. It isn't that I'm ashamed of what I do, but how people perceive me once they find out.
On the way to Ministers' School last week, I had a conversation with a colleague about this. The title of 'pastor' or 'reverend' or 'minister' brings with it so many connotations that it's easy for the rest of me to get lost. Being a pastor is part of who I am, but it does not define me entirely. But once that label gets attached, I feel like some part of me needs to hide, simply because of all the expectations attached to the role.
Case in point: Most Sundays, I join a few of the folks (mostly ladies) from the church for lunch. It's a fun time to hear what went on at church, how they perceived the worship service, and all sorts of other juicy information (but we shan't call it gossip!). This weekend, a couple of the ladies had gone to some sort of concert in a neighboring town. While there, they talked to a man who went to church in that town. His congregation used to be part of a two-point charge that included both his church and mine. So there is some history that at least partly explains his interest. He asked these two ladies, "So, how do you like having a lady minister?" I kind of smile as they tell me this, as it isn't the first or last time I have or will hear of such a question. The next one kind of caught me off guard, though. "What about her being single. Is that a problem?" Excuse me? Sure, I've got some ladies (one in particular) who are keen to get me married off, but why is marriage a part of the check list for what makes a good pastor? Where do these expectations come from?
So it all makes for an interesting situation, at least within myself. It's a catch-22. By being wary of giving out that information, I'm denying part of myself. At the same time, to let it become what defines me has the same effect. Perhaps I'm being a bit sensitive about it all. Could very well be. It's still something that bounces around in my head. I'm not sure what to do with all the assumptions and expectations, especially since they change from person to person. It makes the marriage requirement particularly difficult to fulfill, to be sure. Suffice to say, I'm still trying to figure out how I fit in this vocation, if I do at all. There, by the grace of God, go I.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Sarah,
I guess having any job related to theology has an extra cultural "burden" attached to it. There's the whole question of respect, which sometimes implies some sort of distance. I guess this distance is what you're feeling the most. I guess you must find some more agnostic friends! :-)
When I was in college, I considered a career in the theological field. I ran into what you describe here, just telling people that my major was Religious Studies. "What do you want to be, a priest?!" My sister even started calling me "Father" in jest. It got to me though, and I realized I couldn't handle people acting different in my presence (which they do for all pastoral folk). I'm reminded of an espisode of The Golden Girls, where Bea Arthur's character, Dorothy, meets and starts dating a man named Frank. They get along famously, and Dorothy is feeling very very good about the way things are progressing. Then, one night, she discovers that Frank is Father Frank, a priest of a local Catholic parish. It turns her off such that they have to break off the relationship.
I understand you wanting to hide that part of you until absolutely necessary. For some of us who knew you before you entered the ministry, it's not a big deal. I'm hard pressed to see how you could be able to date and find a spouse when the whole congregation is essentially watching your move on that regards.
I know some folks consider marriage of a pastor to be an integral experience as many pastors are called upon to engage in marriage or relationship counseling. Seems somewhat odd to have a single, never married pastor giving marriage counseling to someone, doesn't it?
On the flip side, the Catholics don't like their priests to be married. They claim it takes away from their holy duty.
No matter what you end up doing, there's always going to be at least one person who disagrees with the principle, if not the act itself. I couldn't have gone into the ministry without being married - your spouse essentially has to make ministry their vocation to a larger degree than other spouses get involved in their partners' careers.
That's all I can say - I'm tapped out. I hope to get to visit with you again sometime - you're very missed!
Post a Comment